This morning’s email from Writer’s Digest linked to a great article, “Time Anxiety and the Writer’s Clock: Making Peace with Your Pace” by Deanna Martinez-Bey. I’ve had an ongoing issue with time and writing–feeling like I write too slowly, and that the world is passing me by and that I’m missing out on opportunities and success due to my age and pace. So, I thought I’d talk about this article and my experiences.

Writers have a complicated relationship with time. Some feel pressured to publish quickly. Others worry they started too late. Many quietly wonder if they are somehow falling behind while watching other writers announce book deals, bestseller rankings, or rapid-fire releases online.

The creative world can sometimes feel like a giant stopwatch with everyone sprinting in different directions. One writer publishes three books a year while another spends five years revising one manuscript. One lands success early while another discovers their voice later in life.

It’s easy to look around and think, “I should be farther along by now.”

That kind of anxiety is more common than most writers admit.

This opening to the article really drew me in, because that’s exactly how I feel. I’ve had my publisher tell me to temper my expectations, and I think part of the reason why they’re so warped is because I’m friends with writers on social media, and they are constantly announcing their successes while I’m like, “Why hasn’t that happened to me yet? When is it going to happen, or am I too late?”

I started out in life with some great writing successes, even as a little girl. I won an essay contest in fifth grade and got a trophy. I wrote and had produced my first full-length play when I was twelve, and again when I was thirteen. I had my first poem published at thirteen. And then at seventeen, I had another play written and produced, then at twenty-two, a full-length musical performed by the local college, then at twenty-three, the same college put on another one of my plays.

These successes spoiled me. Nobody ever told me no and said I couldn’t do it (except my theatre professor at Capital, who was an asshole and told me my writing “robbed the joy from actors”). I pretty much got my way when it came to writing, especially where playwriting was concerned.

Then I got into graduate school for writing novels, something I hadn’t seriously tried to do before. My thesis was my first book. I thought for certain, based on everybody’s feedback on it, that I would be published right after graduation at the ripe old age of thirty.

This didn’t happen. It took ten more years of writing and rewriting to get an agent and a book deal. And during those ten years, I thought writing would forever stay a hobby, that time was running out, and that I’d never see my dreams come true.

Publishing is enamored with youth and beauty in its authors. And I felt like the prime of my life was in my thirties, so once I was approaching forty and didn’t have a book deal yet, I was having doubts about myself. I felt like being a middle-aged author who was now old-looking and quite fat (there’s a reason my author photo is from when I lived in Japan and was 34 in the picture) meant that my time to be a successful author had come and gone.

In hindsight, though, I realize that publishing before age 40–when my craft wasn’t developed enough and my writing had some problematic issues–would’ve been a disaster. There was a reason why I didn’t get the agent and book deal until 40. I simply wasn’t ready.

I’ve accepted this part of it, but thanks to social media, I’m always wondering why I haven’t accomplished more. I had 67 beta readers for The Name and the Key, but why didn’t I get 500 like another author I saw on Instagram? I had a total of eight preorders for Son of the Siren, even with a preorder campaign with swag, so why didn’t I get 1,000 like an author I saw on Threads who screenshotted their numbers?

Social media has made comparison almost unavoidable. Writers are constantly exposed to highlight reels of success:

• Debut announcements
• Literary agents requesting manuscripts
• Viral marketing wins
• Huge preorder campaigns
• Authors quitting their day jobs

Meanwhile, many writers are trying to squeeze creativity into already packed schedules filled with work, family responsibilities, stress, and exhaustion.

The result is often time anxiety. Writers begin treating creativity like a race instead of a process.

They may think:

• “I’m too old to start.”
• “I should have published by now.”
• “Everyone else is moving faster.”
• “What if I run out of time?”

The truth is, writing careers rarely follow a neat timeline. Creativity does not operate like a factory conveyor belt where success appears after a certain number of hours logged.

Every writer moves differently.

That’s why I like Martinez-Bey’s article so much. She is hitting everything on the head. Everything she’s discussed in the article is what I have felt (and sometimes continue to feel).

I wrote about how comparison is the thief of joy. Time anxiety plays a part in that. It’s not just, “Why am I not successful and reaching all my goals,” it’s “Why hasn’t it happened yet?” The Name and the Key will publish five days before my 43rd birthday. It will be my second book. I’ll still be 43 when The Step and the Walk publishes. I may or may not be 44 when The Fear and the Flame is released. I hope to be writing for decades more, but decades more means I’ll be edging towards the end of my life. Super morbid. For that reason, I wish I was a younger writer.

But, I can’t help but think my publishing journey happened this way for a reason, and that includes timing.

I won’t be able to shake time anxiety completely, but I think it’s worth examining. I hope to get a handle on this at some point, or at least manage it well.