I get Writer’s Digest emails on a regular basis, and every Monday they have links to articles on their website/in their magazine. I was reading an interview with YA fantasy author Dana Swift and the interview ended with her giving this advice:

Let’s hone in on that quote, “The best writing, especially fiction writing, typically comes when you are having fun.”

Readers, it pains me to say this, but I do not have fun very often while writing. Sometimes writing to me is like doing math, where I have too many problems I’m trying to solve but I don’t know the formula or how to do the work to get the right answer.

While working on Son of the Siren, I had fun writing two scenes: Lirien’s battle with The Green Man, and then the campfire songs and stories Kitra and Brandegil performed for Lirien. Oh, and every song and riddle and curse was fun to write, too. But other than that, the book was a great struggle, even though I’m really, really proud of it and genuinely think it is a good book.

The Name and the Key as a thesis was a horrific book to write. I kept writing and rewriting it, trying to please a really tough mentor and my crit partners, and because I rewrote it so many times, I had to write over half of the book during the final semester of my graduate degree. It was a complete rush job. I turned in a rough draft to my mentors pretending it was a final draft, and somehow I passed with positive comments. But oy, was that a struggle to write. While there are gems in the writing, I am so, so glad it’s not the book being published this month.

The Name and the Key as it will be released July 21 was easier to write, and I had more fun with it, especially with the creepy scenes, magic scenes, and romantic scenes. Any time a demon showed up, I had a blast. But all that stuff in between? Yikes. Pulling teeth.

The Step and the Walk was its own beast, too. Demons and poetry and alchemy? Yes! Everything else? A slog. This book really took a lot out of me and I took frequent breaks, often feeling stuck. I’m surprised I finished it in seven months (but I guess being under contract with a set deadline helps).

Somehow, my editors made it clear that Son of the Siren, The Name and the Key, and The Step and the Walk do not actually suck. But getting the books to where they needed to be? Readers, it usually wasn’t fun.

Am I doing something wrong?

I hear all the time from writers about how fun writing is, and how fun it is coming up with ideas. I would agree that when things are going well and the gears are moving, writing can be exhilarating. But I’m constantly chasing that high, and it takes so much more out of me to get that feeling. But, that exhilaration is what keeps me going.

But should it be this hard? Does my writing suffer when I’m suffering?

It’s a question that bothers me from time to time, and I have no answers. So far, based on critical responses from my editors, reviewers, and beta readers, my writing isn’t perfect, but good.

And then, there’s a huge consensus that if you don’t enjoy writing, you should a) stop writing and b) don’t be a writer. But like…what if you really love it, but feel depressed about it most of the time? Is that my mental illness speaking? Is there something wrong with me?

I’ve mentioned on this blog about my issues with time anxiety and making comparisons. But I think not enjoying writing for most of the writing experience is probably the biggest, most important issue.

Perhaps because I love writing so much, I write anyway despite disliking it most of the time.

That sounds very twisted to me. I need to work on this one.