Remember when in elementary school, you were asked what you wanted to be when you grew up?

My answer: prima ballerina.

While growing up in NYC, I idolized ballet at a very young age. I remember at Christmastime watching a video of The Nutcracker and falling in love with the costumes and dancers en pointe. Even back then I knew I wanted to dance ballet.

I was a little bit disappointed that we moved to Ohio when my parents split up only because New York City was a wondrous place to be a ballet dancer, with prestigious schools and companies. Luckily, though, my little hometown had more than one opportunity to take ballet classes.

I started off at the age of six at the local YMCA, then at the age of eight or so, transferred to the Richland Academy of the Arts. There, I progressed enough to be a part of their Junior Dance Company where we toured locally and presented special shows.

However, that particular dance school was very expensive, so my mother found her former ballet teacher, who was still in the business. I was ten years old when I transferred to a private home studio with dance instructor Shirley Weddell, who was incredibly reasonably priced. She was the toughest teacher I ever had. I was so afraid of her, I hardly spoke up in class, and took everything exceedingly seriously.

Shirley only had recital productions every other year. I hungered to be in a full-blown ballet, so twice I auditioned with Ashland Regional Ballet (formerly Opus Dance Academy) and was cast in a lavish production of The Nutcracker, featuring live music by the Mansfield Symphony Orchestra. My first year, I was eight, and played a mouse. My second time, I was twelve, and was already 5’10 by then, so I was cast as a soldier.

My dream of being in The Nutcracker came true. I was disappointed I didn’t get cast as a girl wearing a frilly tutu, but I took what I got and enjoyed myself onstage, feeling lucky that someone outside the company was able to be cast in their ballet.

I continued dancing until age 14. I was allowed to take pointe classes at 13, which was an enormous dream of mine since I was like four. I did manage to dance a recital with Shirley en pointe which felt like an amazing accomplishment. However, Shirley announced her retirement from teaching. Rumor had it, Ashland Regional Ballet would be taking over her studio.

I panicked. Even though I loved dancing in their productions of The Nutcracker, it was really hard on me. I took longer than the other dancers to figure out the steps I was being taught, so I felt ashamed for being “slow.” I also had a lot of commands given to me which made me feel singled out. I didn’t make friends with any of the dancers because they were way more advanced than me, and I was shy. Ashland Regional Ballet was a professional company and treated me like a professional, not the child that I was.

So I was incredibly intimidated. I thought to myself long and hard, Do I want to continue ballet if it’s not going to be fun anymore? Because I remembered that rehearsals with the ballet were kind of…miserable…but being onstage was thrilling.

I gave up ballet. I didn’t think I would enjoy myself dancing under the ballet company’s instruction. And the thing is, to this day, I don’t know if they actually took over Shirley’s studio or not! I might’ve stopped everything based on hearsay!

Ultimately, quitting ballet has been one of the greatest regrets of my life. I realized early on that I was probably never going to be a prima ballerina, but I loved to dance, and I loved to perform. And I was in the most incredible physical shape of my life.

When I went to Capital University, I actually auditioned to be a part of their dance troupe, Orchesis. They had a ballet studio in the athletic center and everything. I was assigned to a student choreographer with a foreign exchange student from Japan. For some reason, after one rehearsal, I never heard from the choreographer again, and I never attended another session. I feel a lot of guilt from that.

When I came back from Wales and was in great shape again, I decided to get back into ballet. I enrolled in two weekly classes with BalletMet in downtown Columbus. The classes felt even more professional than I ever thought they would be–they had a live pianist, like I’d seen in pictures of ballet schools in NYC.

I was placed sort of in the middle in terms of abilities. They knew I had ballet experience, but given that I was seven years out of practice, I was placed with much younger dancers. The classes kicked my butt. I wasn’t flexible anymore, I couldn’t raise my legs, and I had trouble spotting while turning.

I felt like a failure. So I quit.

Again, a decision I absolutely regret.

I often think about doing ballet again. When I moved back to Columbus in 2008 I got copies of the New York City Ballet exercise program on DVD, and did some dance moves and stretches in my apartment, but I didn’t really notice any sort of impact from that.

I utterly and completely stopped.

I dream about dancing all the time. I still have my bloodstained pointe shoes in my closet. I keep thinking about how strong I was and how fit I was, and how I moved with grace. I miss that so much, and I miss dancing for an audience.

I did some research and I can’t find ballet classes for old, fat people around here. Everything is professional track. I recently joined a gym and looked to see if they had dance classes, and they don’t really. They have Tai Chi and yoga. Yoga might be the closest thing to ballet that’s available to me, but as for a formal class, I’ve struck out.

I realized in my preteen years that I was never going to become a prima ballerina…maybe corps de ballet if I was lucky enough to join a company. But I never got that far in my dancing journey.

I don’t remember when I switched from dance over to becoming an author…but honestly, I wish I could do both.