This is a super honest, personal post.

I’m really freaked out right now. And because I’m so anxious, I am having the worst time writing.

I was going ok for a little bit with posts here on the blog because they are mostly reposts from my previous website, so I haven’t really written anything new here with some exceptions (like my Summer Hikaru Died review). Things have pretty much been copy + paste central here, so it seems like I’ve produced quite a bit when it turns out I really haven’t.

As for writing for The Beat, I think I have about nine reviews to put together before July is out, although I warned the PR rep it might continue into August. I’ve been trying to sit down and type out reviews in a timely fashion, and my brain won’t let me…because I’m scared.

Lastly, I have a novel that needs to be finished the end of August/first week of September in order for it to be properly beta read and rewritten before its official deadline. I’m only halfway done with it, so for me to pull this off I’ll need to write about 50,000 words in one month–in other words, play a game of Nanowrimo. I have never in the history of ever been able to pump out that much in a small amount of time. It’s a self-imposed deadline, true, and not the contractual one, but if I don’t meet it there will be consequences. And yet, knowing this, I have stalled on the book. My last word count accountability post was June 28. I have sat on my ass for almost an entire month and haven’t produced new writing…just book-adjacent things.

I’m really freaked out.

I am freaked out because I have so much work to do and am running out of time, but also freaked out because none of the work I’m doing is bringing in an income now (the payoff is supposed to come far later) and despite my qualifications and experience, I was not able to obtain teaching work for the summer or fall. I’ve been applying to part time remote jobs as well as retail work at a bookstore, and I’m either over-qualified, told I don’t have enough experience, or am simply ghosted.

The things I need to do (write!) won’t make me money (now) but I need money to live so I can write.

For whatever reason, my brain, especially today, just gave up. I reread the entire book manuscript. Took notes for my next manga review. Tried to watch the anime Blu Ray I’m to review by next week. And nothing is generating. I don’t feel like doing any of it. I just want to know if I passed the certification test I took for a potential new job so I can start working again. Because I need money. That’s all I can seem to think about right now.

I am so lucky because I know I’m not going to be homeless and I’m not going to starve, and that I have a loving family that genuinely helps me. So the worst will not come to pass, but there I things I want to do and buy and pay for. Not having an income is really, really scary.

Apparently I’m so scared I can’t write or watch anime. That’s pretty bad.

Fear is the worst form of writer’s block out there, and I’m feeling it.